First of all hello and thank you for stopping on over to my little corner of the internet. Today’s post has been long overdue and while I’m still wrapping my brain around it here we are. If you remember my first post (HERE) I shared with you all that Chris and had been trying to start a family and with no luck with 3 rounds of IUI we decided that IVF was the next step for us.
I was extremely nervous going into IVF as I had heard so many stories of the emotional and physical journey it could have on you. Thankfully, I had one of my best friends to talk to about all the things I was feeling as she went through the same thing. PS she had success and I’m so excited to be an auntie!! Again, just reminder everyones journey is different and this is just what we’ve gone through and we hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone!
On instagram I shared with you all that we had the egg retrieval and ended up with 6 eggs and of those 5 made it blastocyst at 100% which we were over the moon about! Chris and I opted to do the genetic testing or (PGS Pre-implantation genetic screening) so that they could test for any genetic defects. Not everyone does this but we decided that it would be good to do this incase anything came up. Both Chris and I were still waiting to hear our results on the PGS and were sitting on the sofa talking about what we choose to have a boy or a girl? Since with IVF you can choose the sex of your baby. Reality is we would be happy with either or! The next day Chris was at work and I was at home knowing that the call with the lab was happening and then I got the call from Chris…. that’s when he told me that all 5 of our embabies came back ABNORMAL. Everything hit me all at once I don’t think I’ve cried so much and felt so much anger all at the same time!
I hated my body! I blamed myself! I got on my knees and asked God why?!
You would have never known that all of this was happening behind what I was posting on Instagram. During that time I had so many of you say ” you both are always in such good spirits during IVF ” which was true. The shots, the medication we did what we needed to do and had each others backs but now that we got the news that we couldn’t use any of those embryos Chris was and is the strong one!
Behind instagram I was completely and utterly shattered! Getting out of be was a struggle and my days were this huge blur! I would have probably still been sobbing! The good news was that since all five embryos had different things going on there were no red flags as to why we couldn’t try again.
That following week we sat down with our doctor and she was as surprised as we were that that had all happened as well but gave us the green light to try IVF again with a few added tweaks. Chris and I had a long discussion and finally decided that we would try again. In all honesty looking at my phone doesn’t get any easier to see that someone else is pregnant but it’s for sure different. It’s hard to explain as it’s complete happiness but with an unfamiliar feeling of hollowness I don’t even know if that’s the right word but that’s what comes to mind. I have an issue with not being able to control things I know this and when someone says you are doing everything right I want to scream lol because I want to know what I can eat, drink or do to have more follicles so I have more eggs to have a better chance of just having 1 embryo for a transfer! This process is a giant waiting game and takes a strong heart! This time around my heart isn’t as strong which is why we are slowly sharing this everything was and is happening. I hope you can all understand.
Don’t worry though as Chris and I will still be giving you updates on our journey and I will be doing a few IVF related posts as well so keep a look out for those here on the blog and on Instagram. Please still feel free to reach out to me if you have questions? I’ve had some great conversations with a few handfuls of ladies and it’s so nice to hear your updates and questions!